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Unreal wine reviews

1978 Chateau Latour Côtes du Rhône Blanc

€5/500ml

This splendid blended wine is produced from a blend of noble grape varieties, including Sauvignon blanc, Albariño, Barolo, English Russet; and Koshu in our splendid winery located in the picturesque village of Chateauguay , nestled in among the rolling hills of the Côtes di Rhône region. It pairs nicely with steak and asparagus. It received 97 Fauchi points (FDA approved) and 72 Parker points (Parker pen corporation). 

1995 Domaine Gerard Depardieu Beaujolais 1er cru “Clos des Perrières” Rouge

€13,39/500 mL

This charming red Beaujolais 1er cru is from the picturesque vineyard known locally as “Clos des Perrières” or “Les Gouttes d’Or”, nestled in the mountainous terrain of Beaujolly just near the border between France and Austria (Holy Lichtenstein Empire). The wine is a blend of Chardonnay, Falanghina, Riesling, Folle blanche, Maris Piper, and Feldspar. It is best paired with pears. It received 102 points from Kobe Bryant (Wine Barrister) and 666 points from Nick Shadow (Devils Advocate). FDA approved, consult your doctor if. It is available in 750 μl and 750 hL bottles.

1475 Domaine Barossa Shiraz

11% alcohol, €43/500 mL

This vintage Shiraz wine, made from 100% Cabernet Sauvignon, is based on Max Grange’s best known wine, Penfolds Schubert. It is grown in the rugged canyons of the Barossa Valley, Victoria, New Zealand, and is perfect with fish. Noted Australian critic Robert Parker gave this wine 98.93 points, while American Critic James Halliday gave the wine 93.98 points. Allen, Smythe, & Partners LLC wish us to note that this wine is not associated with drop-bear attack and is not wanted in the US on federal charges. FAA approved.

2028 Clos d’Alpaca Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon

21% alcohol, 64% water, 19% unknown, €943/500 mL

This startlingly rich Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon is made from Shiraz, Crimson Seedless, Valencia, and Talisker grape cultivars, lovingly cultivated in the lowland vineyards of Beinn Bheigeir, Napa County, WA, Argentina. This estate has a long history of wine production, dating back to at least the Roman period or beyond, and has remained in the ownership of the same family ever since its establishment. A custom blend of grapes that was first devised by the current owner and winemaker, the third generation of the family, it has vibrant notes of pineapple, marshmallow, and bitumen. Noted wine critic Richard Feynman described the wine as “indescribable”, awarding it ℵ0 points. FDA approval pending, may cause drowsiness or in extreme circumstances. US-DOS rated as ‘PG-13’. Do not leave unattended.

2539 Clos de la Lune Lunar Colonies Grenache

Percent alcohol, $9,5bn/500 mL

The third vintage of the first wine to be grown on the lunar surface, and the first to be entirely vinified and bottled on the moon. A small step for a winery, but a giant step for mankind. This unique Grenache takes its character from the mineral composition of the vineyard’s regolith. A carefully blended assembly of Riesling, Gamay, and Liquid Hydrogen (LH2). Several noted critics have asked to please for the love of god stop sending them wine samples. FAA approved, 17 points Neil Armstrong, 78 points Neil Young. Stand well clear during launch sequence. Don’t listen to anything it says.

Determining the best Pinot Noir regions: a private pet theory

I have a private pet theory for determining the best regions for growing Pinot Noir wines that I unaccountably want to share. It’s this: all the best regions have ’03’ phone area codes. This might seem crazily over-simplistic, but bear with me for a moment. I have proof.

Pinot Noir vines, vineyard near Savigny-lès-Beaune, BurgundyPinot Noir vines, vineyard near Savigny-lès-Beaune, Burgundy, 26th September 2013
Pentax K-x, 18-125mm lens @ 125mm, 1/200 sec, f/8.0, ISO 400

Proof:

  • Burgundy, Alsace, the Jura, & Champagne all have 03 numbers assigned by the French telephone numbering plan
  • Tasmania, Gippsland, the Yarra Valley, & Mornington Peninsula also all have 03 numbers assigned to them, by the Australian telephone numbering plan
  • Central Otago, Marlborough, & Canterbury all have 03 numbers, under the New Zealand telephone numbering plan

A few exceptions:

  • The Adelaide Hills region gets 08 numbers assigned to it.
  • Oregon and California both are part of the North American Numbering plan, which does not assign any numbers starting with a zero. Some parts of north-west Oregon get 503 numbers, which may be close enough — though this doesn’t seem to cover the Willamette Valley. D’oh.
  • Germany is making some very good Pinot Noirs (which they often refer to as Spätburgunder, “late Burgundy”), but 03 numbers are assigned to north-eastern Germany, not Baden, Pfalz, or Ahr, which are in the south-west.
  • Martinborough, NZ gets 06 phone numbers.

Also, some areas may be assigned 03 numbers, but not be suitable for Pinot Noir — for example, some of the warmer parts of Victoria, Australia. To this, I could only respond by waggling my eyebrows, shrugging my shoulders, and leaving rapidly before my hypothetical interlocutor realises that wasn’t actually a valid response to their criticisms.

Nonetheless, I think my theory has validity, and maybe some predictive power. Perhaps I could extend it further. Do good Cabernet sauvignons come from regions with 05 numbers, such as Bordeaux? Great Syrahs from regions with 04 numbers, like the northern Rhône? Though this might be a problem for Australia: 04 and 05 are both assigned for mobile numbers, which suggests that great Cabernet and great Syrah are possible everywhere, and nowhere (though, to be fair, I’ve never actually seen an 05 mobile number in use in Australia…). Italy has a similar problem with Pinot Noir (there called Pinot Nero), 03 numbers in Italy being assigned to mobile phones.

Or perhaps one could suggest that areas with an 08 number are good for a wide range of grapes, as this area code including both South Australia and West Australia. But this would force wineries in France to spring for a freephone ‘numéro vert’ 08 number, which may not win me friends there.

So, for now, I might leave further exploration of this idea aside for now. Still, I suspect it has promise. And I will keep returning to the allure of the ’03’ area code.

Which reminds me, I should open a bottle of something good for tonight, from a winery whose phone number starts with 03………..

Côte d'Or morning, Burgundy, 3rd October 2011Côte d’Or morning, Burgundy, 3rd October 2011
Pentax K-x, 18-125mm lens at 40mm, 1/80 sec, f/5.0, ISO 500